Out of Control
by Writingiswhatiam
Summary: Paige has a problem. and its beginning to consume her. Will she be able to take care of it on her own, or will her friends have to intervine? Where is this coming from, anyway? Read and Review please!
1. Reflection

I sat down next to Hazel in Media Immersion, thankful that I had gotten to present my project yesterday.  
"Ashley, are you ready to present your project to the class?" Mr. Simpson asked.  
Ashley stood and took her place at the front of the classroom. "Every three out of ten girls will develop an eating disorder before she turns twenty. In this presentation, I plan to inform you of the harmful effects that eating disorders have and how they are treated," she said. As she began talking, I drifted into my own memories.

Flashback  
  
Mom and I were sitting in a booth at the back of a restaurant, trying to decide what to order.  
"I think I'm in the mood for a pizza," I said to her.  
"No, honey, that's not a very healthy food," she said. "Why don't you have a fat free salad?"  
"Why?" I asked.  
"Because...well, honey, you don't need to gain anymore weight. You don't want Spinner to leave you, do you?"

End of Flashback  
  
"Paige," Hazel's voice cut through my daydreams. "The bell rang...we can go now."  
"Oh, sorry," I stood and gathered my books. I walked out next to Spinner and Hazel.  
"Haze," I said, "I'll meet you in Kwan's class."  
"Okay," she said, taking the hint that I wanted to talk to Spinner. She walked down the hall.  
"Hey," Spinner said, hugging me gently.  
"Honey," I said. "Do you think I'm pretty...I mean...well...do you?"  
"Of course...Paige, you're gorgeous. Why?" he said, releasing me and looking into my eyes.  
"Oh...I was just wondering," I stammered.  
He smiled, kissed me gently, and we walked to class.  
  
Hazel, Spinner, Terri and I sat at our lunch table. My lunch sat in front of me, but I wasn't eating. I wasn't really, hungry. They were all laughing at a joke Spinner had told, and I laughed along with them, pretending to have heard. But all I could remember was that morning.

Flashback

I scanned my closet, trying to find something to wear. I grabbed my favorite pair of brown jeans, hoping to wear it with a tank top. But something happened...I couldn't get them buttoned. And when I finally did, I looked awful. I felt bulky, and fat, and unattractive. It felt really bad. So I decided on a denim skirt and a tank top instead. It hung more loosely, and made me feel better about myself. I still felt overweight though.

End of Flashback  
  
Later that day, I sat on my bed. I had been in my own thoughts all day long. I stood and looked in the mirror, hating the reflection that stared back at me. I walked to the bathroom, remembering the sandwich that I had had for lunch, and the chicken I had had for supper.  
Bending over the toilet, I stuck my finger down my throat, getting rid of the food and emptying my stomach. When I was done purging, I brushed my teeth and started on my homework. Somehow, my eyes wondered back to the mirror. What was happening to me?


	2. Talk to me

"Hey, Paige," Dylan came bursting into my room when I was staring into the mirror.  
"Yeah?" I said.  
"Uh...are you okay?"  
"I'm fine," I looked at him blankly. "What did you want?"  
"You have a phone call," he said, handing the cordless phone to me.  
"Thanks," I said as he closed the door behind him. "Hello?" I said into the phone.  
"Paige," Spinners voice said. "What's up?"  
"Nothing much, Spin, how about you?" I asked.  
"I was just wondering if you wanted to do something later?" he asked.  
  
"Like what?" I asked.  
"We could hang out here, or we could go to a movie...whatever you want."  
I hesitated. I wanted to. "Sure," I said.  
"Cool. So I'll meet you at your house and we'll go from there?" he asked.  
"Okay," I said, "I'll be ready."  
I hung up the phone. I went downstairs to meet Spinner.  
"Was that Spinner on the phone?" Mom asked.  
"Yeah," I answered. "We're going to go catch a movie or something. Is that okay?"  
"Of course," she said. "Just be careful."  
I nodded and headed out the door. I sat on the porch step, and Dylan sat down next to me.  
"What's going on?" he asked.  
"What do you mean?" I asked.  
"You can't answer a question with a question," he said. "Something's going on with you. What is it?"  
I stared ahead, silently.  
"You're my little sister, you can trust me. What's going on?"  
"I don't know...just normal teenager stuff, I guess," I answered him.  
He looked into my eyes, searching them for an answer. For truth. "Paige," his tone meant business now.  
Just then, Spinner came walking up the driveway, saving me from Dylan's piercing stare.  
"Hey, Spin," I said, standing and hugging him.  
"Hey," he said. He looked at Dylan. "Hey, Dylan."  
"Hey, Spinner," Dylan said. He stood and walked back inside the house.  
  
Spinner and I walked to the movie theatre. "Paige, are you okay?"  
"Why wouldn't I be?" I asked him.  
"Because you have that distant look on your face, the one you get when you think about..." his voice trailed off, but I knew what he was going to say.  
"About Dean?" I finished for him.  
"Yeah," he said. "Are you still worried that he'll come after you? I thought you were over that by now/"  
I looked at him in disbelief. "Over that? How can I ever be over that, Spinner? He took something that belonged to me...not him, not you...me. You expect me to just get over it in a year?"  
"Paige, calm down," he said. "I didn't mean it like that."  
I realized what I was doing. I was acting crazy. "I'm sorry," I said. "I guess I still get upset when somebody mentions Dean."  
"You don't have to be sorry, just talk to me. Let me be there for you. We're not all like Dean, you know?"  
I nodded. "I don't know what's going on. Maybe I'm just tired or something, I don't know."  
"Do you want me to walk you home?" he asked.  
"No," I said, shaking my head. "I don't want to go home. I just want you to love me."  
He looked at me. "I do love you, Paige, and I'm trying my best to be supportive...but I don't know what to do. I can't read your mind."  
"I know," I said. "I just don't feel like talking about it, that's all."  
"When you do, call me, okay? I want to be there for you."  
"I know you do, Spin," I said. "I'll call you when I feel like I can talk."  
I wanted desperately to talk to Spinner about how I felt, about my insecurities. But I just couldn't. I didn't feel like he would understand.  
  
Authors Note: I don't know if its going to stay a Spinner/Paige fic or not. So, I need your help! Should Paige stay with Spinner...or should she be paired with someone else? If she should be with someone else...then who? 


	3. Confrontation

I didn't feel right with Spinner, it was like I didn't belong with him. I wasn't _good_ enough for him. I had been raped...degraded...it was awful. Images of Dean flooded my mind, I felt like I could hardly breathe. I wanted to scratch his eyes out. I pulled the blanket over my face, curling into a ball on my bed. Tears escaped my eyes, pouring down my cheeks. I cried soft tears of despair, wanting to be the way I was before, knowing I would never be.  
I heard a gentle knock on the door. "Go away!"  
The door opened anyway. "Paige?" Dylan said.  
"Who else would be in my room?" I asked, turning my back to him, wiping a tear away.  
"What's wrong?" he asked.  
"Nothing...just leave me alone, okay?"  
"Paige Michalchuk doesn't cry her eyes out for nothing," he said. he sat down next to me on the bed. "Now, what's going on? You haven't been the same since..."  
"Grade 9?" I finished. "Yeah, I know. Now can you go away? _Please_?"  
"Have you ever thought about going to a support group?" he asked.  
I scoffed. "Right...and air my dirty laundry in public? No thank you."  
"What happened to seeing the schools' psychologist?" he asked.  
I shrugged. "I don't need to...I'm over it."  
"Is this what you call 'over it'?" he asked.  
"Are you done now?" I asked.  
"Dammit, Paige, I'm not done!" he exclaimed.  
His sudden out burst of anger frightened me. I sat up and looked at him. "You don't know what its like, Dylan. You don't know how it feels to lose something sacred to you against your will. And you don't know what its like to see the bastard let off without a slap on the wrist...because you were too _scared_ to report him when it happened?" Tears streamed down my cheeks, I wiped them away with an angry fist.  
"Paige...I'm sorry. I know that nothing I can say will ever make up for what happened. That's why you need to talk to somebody...somebody who will understand. Its in your best interest, Paige."  
"No," I said. "I can't. I know it will help...but I just can't. I can't talk about it, it hurts too much."  
He nodded, but said nothing. After a few moments of silence, he stood and walked from the room.  
  
The next day in class, I was spacing out again. I hadn't gotten much sleep the night before. What Dylan had said really got to me, because I knew he was right. I needed to talk about it...but I couldn't. it had been everything I could do to talk to Miss Souvez after it had happened.  
"Paige?" Miss Kwan was saying to me.  
"Yes?" I looked up.  
"I need your essay that you were supposed to write for me last night," she said.  
"Oh...right," I handed her the computer print out of my essay.  
She eyed me and moved to the next row.  
  
"Paige?" Ashley said to me during lunch.  
"Yeah?" I asked, looking across the table to her.  
"Does Craig look alright to you?" she asked.  
I followed her gaze across the lunch yard. Craig sat in a corner, by himself, strumming his guitar. "Yeah, I guess. Why wouldn't he be alright?"  
"He hasn't really been the same since Manny had the abortion," she told me.  
"Oh," I said. "He does look kind of sad. Maybe its just post-abortion- blues," I said.  
"Yeah.''  
"Do you still love him?" I asked.  
"I'll always love him...but I'm not _in_ love with him. After what he did to Manny and me, I just don't think that there is hope for us."  
"Well, everyone makes mistakes. Remember what happened with Jimmy when you took Ecstasy?"  
She groaned. "Don't remind me. I can't believe I fooled around...with _Sean_!"  
"Well, like love, drugs make people do crazy things."  
"Yeah," she agreed. 


	4. Walkin' Away

Okay people...I have decided what to do about the Paige/Spinner situation. However...you guys wont know until it happens. Bwahahaha!!! And for the anonymous reviewer who said I was moving too fast and rushing things...I'm really not. There is going to be a lot happening, so trust me, I'm not rushing things. Just to straighten it out.  
  
I was at my locker, getting my books for English class. I was trying to be in a better mood, and I knew that people thought something was wrong with me. I had been quiet all week....something that doesn't happen often. But I just felt like I couldn't talk...not with out breaking down and crying. But today was Friday...and Spinner and I had plans to hang out at my house tonight. Mom was on a date and Dylan would be 'studying' with one of his friends. Studying....yeah right.  
I wasn't afraid to be alone with Spinner...well, maybe just a little. It's hard to explain. We'll be kissing or he'll say something and he'll look and sound just like Dean. I'm not saying I'm having flashbacks of Dean...Spinner reminds me of him. The look he gets on his face when we're done kissing...the tone his voice takes when he whispers my name. It sends cold chills all over my body, it's so hard to be with him. Its so hard to see him...and to love him knowing that he reminds me of my attacker.  
  
So, that night, Spinner and I were hanging out at my house. We were watching Scream 3...again. I wasn't really paying attention, but I had promised myself to have a good time. I was going to have a good time. I wasn't going to let Dean interfere...I wasn't going to let my insecurities get in the way. That's why I didn't object when Spinner kissed me, or when we fell back on the couch...him on top of me. His hands wondered up my shirt, pulling it off and tossed it across the room. I felt like an alarm in my heart was going off...telling me not to do this. I ignored it, trying to prove that I wasn't going to let Dean get to me.  
"You're so adorable," Spinner whispered in my ear .  
I freaked out. I sat straight up, pushing him off of me. I grabbed my shirt and put it on, fighting tears.  
"Paige..." he started. I looked at him, he looked confused...hurt.  
"Spinner..." I realized what had happened. He had said exactly what Dean had. "I'm sorry."  
"What happened? What did I do?" he asked.  
"You...I...I..." I stumbled for words. "Spinner I can't be with you."  
"What?" he shrieked, standing to his feet. "Why the hell not?"  
I didn't know what to say. Was I supposed to tell him that he reminded me of Dean? "Its not you, Spin, it's me...I'm going through a lot right now and I...don't think I can..." I couldn't find the words.  
"You're leaving me?" he asked.  
I blinked back tears. I stood with my back to him. "I'm sorry."  
"Paige...I love you. I want to be there for you...why wont you let me?"  
I felt him put his hand on my shoulder and I flinched.  
I knew he felt it...I knew that he realized what was going on. "You're going to let him win again, aren't you?"  
"Spinner don't make this harder than it already is," I told him. "You don't know what it feels like to be haunted...betrayed and hurt."  
He said nothing, and I heard the door shut. When I turned around, he was gone.  
  
I had been sitting on the couch, crying since Spinner had left. I heard the door open and close and I heard Dylan's heavy footsteps walk up behind me.  
"I saw Spinner on the way over here," he said.  
"really? Good for you." I wiped the tears away quickly.  
"He looked pissed."  
"He was."  
"Why?" he asked.  
"We broke up," I said.  
He sat down next to me. "What happened?"  
I started to cry again. "He...reminded me of Dean...and I freaked out."  
"Reminded you how?"  
"Do you want me to draw you a picture?" I asked.  
"Paige...did he attack you?" Dylan looked infuriated.  
"No...he said that I was adorable..."  
He looked at me like I was crazy. "What's wrong with that?"  
"That's what Dean said when he raped me."  
"Oh."  
"Yeah."  
"Maybe you just need to be by yourself for awhile, you know...heal," he said. "Because I think you jumped into a relationship with Spinner way too fast."  
"I know," I said.  
"Don't worry," Dylan put his arm around my shoulder. "Everything will be okay." 


	5. Helping Hand

I sat down at my lunch table, not very talkative, like always...well, lately. I saw Spinner across the room, but he didn't come sit with me...like he usually did. He went to sit with Jimmy.  
"Why isn't Spinner sitting with you, Paige?" Ashley asked.  
"Oh...we...uh, we broke up," I said. I used my fork to roll the food around my plate.  
"Oh...why?" she asked.  
I shrugged. "It wasn't working out."  
She looked from my plate to me, back to the plate...and then back to me. "Aren't you going to eat?"  
"I'm not hungry," I said.  
"Oh," she said. the conversation came to a stop when Hazel and Terri walked up to the table.  
"Paige, we heard about Spinner," Hazel said.  
"And we're so sorry," Terri finished.  
"It's okay...can we not talk about this?" I said. "It hurts."  
They nodded. I could still feel Ashley's eyes on me.  
  
After school, I was getting my things and putting them in my knapsack. I heard footsteps behind me. for a split second...I thought it might be Dean. But when I turned around, it was Ashley.  
"Ash, you scared me," I forced a laugh. "What's up?"  
"I saw what happened today," she said.  
"What are you talking about?" I asked nervously, returning to my locker.  
"Is everything okay?" she asked. "Because...I've noticed that you've lost some weight, and today you weren't eating...and you broke up with Spinner...this isn't like you, Paige."  
"Its none of your business," I said.  
"Are you Anorexic?" she asked.  
"No," I said. "I'm under pressure and I haven't had much of an appetite...but I am still eating. Is that a freaking crime?"  
"Why won't you talk to somebody, it doesn't have to be me, it doesn't have to be Spinner or Ms. Souvez....just _somebody_."  
"I don't need to talk, I'm fine," I insisted.  
"Paige! You are _not_ fine!" She said, grabbing my shoulders and shaking me. "You need help...you're really depressed...I can see it, Paige," he voice became more gentle. "Let someone help you, please."  
I held back tears. "It hurts to talk...Ashley...it hurts to _breathe_...I can't talk about it. I wont talk about the rape!"  
She stared at me. "When you're ready to talk, you know where I'll be."  
When she was out of sight, I slammed my locker door angrily and slid to a sitting position. I tried to get myself together, tried to quit crying...tried to breathe.  
"Are you okay?" I heard a masculine voice ask.  
I looked up to see Craig, leather jacket and all, standing above me. his hand was held out to help me up. "I'm fine," I said, taking his hand so he could help me up.  
"I know," he said. "But you look upset."  
"Please don't tell me you're one of those people who say 'talking helps'," I groaned.  
"No, I'm not," he laughed. "Actually, talking _sucks_."  
With that, he disapeared down the hallway.  
  
That night, I sat on my bed. I hadnt eaten in days...my stomach was so hungry. I wanted to eat, but I knew that I was fat. I knew that I couldn't...I knew that I had to lose weight. I went to the scale in the bathroom to weigh myself. I stepped on the scale. 120 pounds. See, I told myself, you are fat. And ugly. And you don't deserve Spinner...no matter how much you love him.  
  
A/N: I'm not saying that 120 pounds is fat. I just put that in there to show you her state of mind. So don't be offended. Please. 


	6. The easy way out

Later that afternoon, when I walked in the door...Mom was furious with me.  
"How could you dump him?" she said.  
"What?" I exclaimed. "He was _my_ boyfriend, it was _my_ choice...and why do you care?"  
"Don't talk to me like that. You just made the biggest mistake of your life...do you even know what you have done? He was so good to you. Trust me, that's hard to find, Paige," she said.  
"Mom, you don't know the half of it," I said, trying to walk past her.  
She grabbed my arm. "Don't walk away from me."  
"Mom, you don't understand. I can't be with him!" I cried.  
"I want you to pick up that phone, call him and tell him you made a mistake," she demanded.  
"No," I said. "I _can't_ do that...Mom..." Tears poured down my cheeks as I ran upstairs and locked myself in my room.  
I had to get out. I couldn't live like this anymore. I wouldn't. I wouldn't do this...I can't relive that night over and over and _over_. I was so exhausted...I hadn't slept in days, I hadn't eaten in days. I had to find an escape. I looked around the room...and my eyes fell on my letter opener.  
As I clenched the sharp object in one hand, I held out the other. I couldn't live like this...I had to die. And that was what I was going to do. Tears streamed down my face as I brought it down on my wrist, gritting my teeth at the pain.  
  
I woke up and I was surrounded by white. My first thought was...oh my god, I'm dead. Then I made out shaped and figures and realized it was a hospital room.  
"Paige...are you okay?" someone asked, rushing to my side. I realized it was Dylan.  
I closed my eyes and swallowed. "What happened?"  
"After you ran upstairs...I went to check on you. Your door was locked and you wouldn't answer...so I got worried and went through the bathroom. That's when I found you...Paige...why did you try to kill yourself?"  
"I can't live like this! I can't live with the flashbacks...and the nightmares, and I can't live _always_ looking over my shoulder," I swallowed my tears.  
"Paige," Mom said, coming to my side. "I'm _so_ sorry, I didn't mean to pressure you."  
"Its not you, Mom," I said. "It's me."  
A doctor came in and sat down next to the bed. Mom and Dylan stood against the wall to listen to what he had to stay. "Paige, I think you should get therapy."  
"I've tried...it didn't work."  
"I mean a support group," he said. "If you don't, I'll be forced to send you to a mental institution."  
"Why?" I asked.  
"It's obvious that your suffering from post-traumatic-stress disorder, and you are dehydrated and you have other symptoms that point to Anorexia. Rape is a traumatic experience," he said. "You need help."  
"I can't talk about it," I said.  
"Okay," he said. "Then I'll call the nurse in here to get you sent to Shady Pines."  
He stood.  
"Wait," I said. he turned back to face me. "I'll do it. I'll go to a support group."  
"Good," he said. "It _will_ help."

A/N: I made up Shady Pines...i have no clue if its a real place or not. But it had to be called something...i couldnt keep saying 'the mental institution. :) thank you for the reviews and i'm sorry for the short chapter...the next one will be longer i promise.


	7. Haunted

Okay, now, most of you can probably guess what's going to happen. But keep reading still! I promise surprises.  
  
The doctor came back into the room when I was getting ready to leave.  
"Okay, Paige," he said. "Here's the name and the address of the support group. Its called 'Peace of Mind', unfortunately, there isn't enough people to start a sexual abuse program. But there is one on abuse, and they cover rape in there. Good luck, and I hope you feel better."  
"Thanks," I said, taking the card from him. I didn't want to do this...but I definitely didn't want to go to a mental hospital. I wished that I had thought more rationally before trying to kill myself, I know it was a stupid thing to do.  
  
I stood outside of the room where the meeting was being held. I rechecked the numbers, hoping that I had gotten the wrong room, the wrong address, so I wouldn't have to go in there. no such luck. I took a deep breath, and pulled the door open.  
A woman with long, blond, curly hair and green eyes greeted me. "Hey, you must be Paige," she said.  
"Yes," I answered.  
"We're glad you came," she said. "I'm Sonia. Let me tell you how the first meetings go. First you get up and introduce yourself, then we go around the room and introduce ourselves...you don't have to say a lot of things if you don't want to. It's all about timing."  
"Yeah," I said.  
She stood in front of the room. There was a circle of chairs, each with a person in them. I was taking in the room, the soothing wallpaper, the navy blue carpet, when I heard Sonia call my name.  
"Paige," she said. "Would you like to introduce yourself?"  
No, I thought, but I stood and took her place. She stepped aside.  
"My name is Paige," I stammered.  
"And why are you here, Paige?" Sonia asked.  
"I...uh...I was raped last year...and I've never fully gotten over it," I said.  
"We're glad you're here," she said.  
I nodded, looking around the room. My eyes fell on somebody. Dark curly hair, leather jacket. Craig Manning. My heart stopped...it was bad enough going to this stupid support group. But having someone from my school here? That was just too hard.  
Our eyes met, and he looked as worried as I was. But there was a sort of understanding. Like an 'I wont tell if you don't' sort of thing.  
We went around the room, introducing ourselves. There was a girl, Aura -who couldn't be older than _12_-who had been molested by her step dad. Another boy, Daman, who was about seventeen or eighteen, had been emotionally abused by his father. That's when I found out that Craig had been physically abused by his dad. I sensed that there was a connection between what had happened with his dad, and what had happened between Ashley and Manny. Another girl, Michelle, had moved in with her boyfriend when she was fifteen, that's when he started knocking her around. I realized that maybe this whole group therapy thing was a good thing, it made me understand that I wasn't the only one out there that had been abused...hurt..._betrayed_.  
  
That night, at the dinner table, everyone was silent.  
"Are you going to eat?" Mom asked.  
"Yeah," I said, trying to eat what was on my plate.  
"How was the meeting?" she asked.  
"It was fine," I said. "There was a guy from one of my classes there...that was kind of awkward."  
"You don't think he'll tell anyone?" Dylan asked.  
"Nah, he's not that kind of person. Besides, he can't tell...it's against the privacy policy," I told Dylan.  
"Yeah," he said. "So do you have feelings for this guy?"  
"No...I just recognized him, that's all."  
"Oh," he said. "Sorry, my bad."  
  
That night, I was laying in my bed. I was remembering that night...the terrible night. I could still see Dean's face...I could still feel him. It was so _haunting_. 


	8. Quality Time

When I went back to school, two days after I got out of the hospital, I wanted everything to be like it was before. Well, I wanted it to be normal. So I didn't tell anyone about my act of stupidity; I didn't want anybody to know about it.  
I was feeling a little better though, even though I don't know why. Nothing had changed.  
The hallway was nearly deserted, except for a few students here and there. I looked down the row of lockers to my classroom, and headed toward it. That's when I saw Craig. I cautiously approached him.  
"Hey," I said nervously.  
"Hey," his tone seemed to match mine.  
"Listen...you better not tell anyone about the other day, okay? I don't want people to know that I'm not over it yet."  
"Don't worry," he said. "I had no intention of telling anyone."  
I started to walk away, then I turned back around. "Hey, Craig?"  
He turned to look at me.  
"Thanks," I said, and then continued walking to the classroom.  
  
In Media Immersion, I could feel Spinners eyes on me. I didn't want to talk to him. I didn't want him to know I still loved him; I didn't want him to know that it had almost killed me to break up with him.  
After school, Spinner caught up with me. I was at my locker, trying to avoid him. I had been avoiding him all day...it was just too painful to look at him. Too painful to be with him.  
"What was up with you and Manning?" he asked.  
"Nothing," I said. "We were talking about something."  
"Like what?" he asked.  
"Why do you want to know? Its none of your business," I said. I had to get him to leave me alone.  
"Dammit, Paige, it is my business, I still love you," he said.  
"Spinner, I thought we talked about this."  
"No, you talked about it. You didn't let me get a word in," he said.  
"I just want to be friends," I said. "I don't want to be attached right now."  
"You looked pretty attached to Craig," he said. "Are you blowing me off again...like last time?"  
I stopped dead in my tracks. "Like last time? You mean with Dean? How _dare_ you!" I screamed at him.  
"Paige I didn't mean it..." he said.  
"The hell you didn't," I slammed my locker door and ran from the building. I didn't stop until I had reached the park.  
I sank onto a bench, wiping tears away. I hugged my knees, trying to keep from crying. How could he throw that in my face like that?  
"Are you okay, Paige?" I heard a voice say.  
I looked up to see Craig standing above me. "I'm fine, I had a fight with Spinner."  
"Yeah, I saw," he said.  
"Pretty bad, huh?" I asked.  
He laughed lightly. "So, how are you doing? Do you feel any better than the other night?"  
"A little," I admitted.  
"Yeah, me too," he said, sitting down next to me.  
"I'm sorry about your dad," I said.  
"I'm sorry about what happened," he said.  
I started to cry again. "It's like I can't get over it. He's in my nightmares...he's in my day mares. I can't escape him and when I try...I have to go without sleep. When I close my eyes...he's there, waiting for me. Planning his next move...I think I'm going crazy. "  
He put his arm around my shoulders. "It's okay," he said. "Everything will be okay."  
  
Mom was out on another date with some guy-don't ask me his name, I have no clue- so Dylan and I decided to spend some quality time together, something we hadn't done in a long time.  
We were sitting in the living room watching some reality TV show.  
"I'm hungry," Dylan said.  
"Yeah, me too," I said. "Do you want to order a pizza?"  
"No," he said. "Do you want to order some Chinese?"  
"Yeah, Chinese sounds great," I said.  
He left to go order the food. I ordered sweet and sour chicken...the best.  
I felt happy, for the first time in a long time, I felt genuinely happy. It felt really nice.  
When the food came, we tried our best to eat it with chopsticks. I managed to pick the food up with them, but it landed everywhere but my mouth. We gave up and used a fork. 


	9. Still on Your Side

The lyrics at the end of the chapter are from BBMAK, the song is Still on Your Side. I hope you enjoy.  
  
Mom still wasn't home when I went to bed, so that meant that she probably wouldn't be home until the morning. That was fine with me, I was used to it by now. It had been like that since Dad left. I didn't remember him, and I didn't want to.  
I sat up, straight. I had had some nightmare...I couldn't remember what. I looked around the room quickly, scanning it. I turned the lamp on next to me, and he was there. Dean.  
"What are you doing here?" I screamed.  
"Come on, Spirit," his voice was menacing. "We had fun."  
"No, we didn't.." I said. "Get out before I call the police."  
"The police didn't do anything _last_ time," he said, moving toward me. "And they wont do anything _this_ time."  
I sat up in a cold sweat. It had been a dream. Dean wasn't here. It was a dream. I turned the light next to my bed on. Other than me, there wasn't a soul in the room. I breathed a sigh of relief. I looked at the clock next to my bed. It was ten after midnight. I wiped tears from my eyes as my eyes fell on the phone. I picked it up without thinking and dialed a phone number.  
"Hello?" the sleepy voice asked.  
"C-Craig," I stammered. "It's Paige."  
"Are you okay?" he asked.  
"I had a nightmare," I said, tears pouring down my cheeks. "About Dean, and I couldn't think of anyone to call. You seem to be the only one who understands me."  
"Do you want to meet at the coffee house to talk?" he asked.  
"Were you asleep?" I asked.  
"No," he said. "I haven't been able to get to sleep yet."  
"Okay," I said. "Are you sure you don't mind meeting me there?"  
"I'm positive," he said.  
"Okay, then I'll meet you there."  
  
We sat at a table in the nearly deserted coffee house. A cup of coffee sat in front of each of us, my hair was stringy, despite my attempts to brush it before I left the house. Craig's hair fell around his eyes, his leather jacket was on...making him look tough, even though I knew he was dying on the inside. His eyes were tired, exhausted. I knew he couldn't have slept for a while...it showed.  
"How are you feeling?" I asked.  
"I'm okay," he answered. "Its still hard sometimes, though."  
"Yeah I know what you mean," I said.  
"What happened in your dream?"  
"It was like...I had woke up from this really creepy dream and Dean was there, and he said that the police didn't do anything last time, and that they wouldn't do anything this time." I shuddered at the thought.  
"So you're afraid he's going to come back?" he asked.  
"Yeah," I said. "I don't want to have to face him again. I don't ever want to see him again."  
He nodded. "That's understandable."  
"Yeah."  
"What makes you think he's going to come back?"  
"I don't know...it's just a feeling."  
"Well, if he does or if he doesn't I'll be here for you."  
"Do you have nightmares about your dad?" I asked.  
"Sometimes," he said. "Like when I take a picture of a family playing in a park, and I realize that I never had that with him. Or when I look at my camera, and I remember the day he smashed all of my equipment because he found pictures of my little sister."  
I couldn't think of anything to say. But he didn't want me to say anything, he just wanted me to listen. Like when I told Spinner about Dean, he would always end up saying something-usually the wrong thing-when all I wanted him to do was listen to how I felt. That's what I found with Craig, a listener. Don't get me wrong- there was nothing sexual or romantic about my feelings. He was a good friend. That's all I needed.  
  
_**Still On your Side : **_

_**I will stand up for you  
  
No matter what you're goin through You've found the place where you belong  
  
New friends who can do no wrong  
  
That's what you believe  
  
But who's gonna be there when you fall  
  
To build you up when you're feeling small  
  
Give you love that you need  
  
Who will? I will  
  
When the whole world turns against you  
  
Ain't no lie  
  
Don't you know that Chorus  
  
I will stand up for you  
  
No matter what you're goin through  
  
I'm still on your side  
  
Anytime, day or night  
  
Don't care if it's wrong or right  
  
I'm still on your side You wanna run, you wanna break free  
  
Well what you want ain't what you need  
  
Can't you see that I care  
  
I know I'm hard on you sometimes  
  
But when you're lookin for the things you can't find  
  
Don't you know who'll be there  
  
Who will? I will  
  
When it's more than you can handle  
  
Ain't no lie  
  
Don't you know that  
  
I will stand up for you  
  
No matter what you're goin through  
  
I'm still on your side  
  
Anytime, day or night  
  
Don't care if it's wrong or right  
  
I'm still on your side  
  
I'll be there  
  
I'll be there when you need me  
  
I won't let you go  
  
There's nothing I won't do  
  
I'll be there you know**_


	10. Back

I know I didn't mention anything about Paige working in The Gap to begin with, but she does. Okay? And I know previously I said that it had been a year since the rape, but lets pretend its been a year and a half, okay?  
  
--------------

I walked inside the house around two o'clock in the morning, after I had finished with Craig at the coffee house.  
"Where were you?" I heard a voice say from the couch.  
My eyes flew to Dylan. "I was out...getting a cup of coffee."  
"We have coffee here," he said.  
"Dylan...I had another nightmare okay? So I met Craig at the coffee house to talk about it. He understands me, he's been a really good friend."  
He nodded. "Well, next time, could you warn me first? I mean here I was thinking that..."  
"What?"  
"...Nothing," he said quickly. "Its nothing. But you should go to bed, you have school in the morning."  
"Tomorrow's Saturday," I told him.  
"Oh," he said. "Well, in that case, do you want to order a pizza and watch a movie?"  
I smiled. "Sure," I said.   
I was glad that Dylan and I were close again. It had been such a long time since we had gotten to do anything together, probably because of his sexual preference. When Mom found out that Dylan was into other guys...and not girls, she kind of freaked out and sent him to live with a relative. Last year she came around, realizing that Dylan was her son and she should love him no matter what. I was glad he was back.  
  
-----------  
  
I was talking to Ashley while I was at work in The Gap. The store was nearly deserted, which was common for a Saturday morning at eleven A.M.  
"How's the therapy going?" Ashley asked me.  
"Pretty good, I guess. I met this guy there, and I can really relate to him. We're just friends...I can talk to him, ya know? That's an important quality," I said, leaving out the fact that it was her ex-boyfriend I was talking about.  
"Listen...Paige," she said. "I sort of wanted to ask you something."  
"Shoot," I said, not glancing up from the counter as I heard the bell on the door ring.  
"I met this guy...we've sort of been dating for a while," she started.  
That caught my interest. "Really? You never told me."  
"I know, I decided I didn't want to advertise it yet. But anyway, he's a lot older than me. Well, maybe not a _lot_ older than me...he's in his freshman year of college. But...anyway."  
"Spit it out, Ash," I teased.  
"Okay, okay..." she sighed. "I don't know what to do. I mean, I really like him...I think I love him, and I just...well, I don't know..."  
"If you should have sex with him?" I finished for her.  
She breathed a sigh of relief. "Yeah," she said. "I mean, I really care for him. But how do I know when the time is right?"  
"Well," I said, leaning my back against the counter. "I think that when the time is right you will know and it won't be a hesitant thing. I mean, of course you two should talk about it first, like talk about birth control and things like that but I think that you should just let things play out the way they are going to play out. Do you think you're ready to have sex?"  
"Yeah...I think I am. I mean, with him, anyway. It's just different."  
I nodded. "Well, if you're ready then go for it. But you shouldn't do anything that you don't want to do and don't let yourself be talked into anything that you're not ready for."  
She opened her mouth to reply, but a deep voice from behind us said: "I'd like to buy this."  
I turned around to ring up the purchase and I about fainted. "What are you doing here?"  
"Buying a sweater," he said.  
"Dean, get out," I demanded.  
His eyes peered into mine, as if penetrating my soul. His hands reached out to touch mine and I pulled back. I rang up the sweater and put it in a bag. "That'll be twenty five dollars," I told him.  
He took the money out of his wallet and held it out. "Well, go on, take it," he said.  
"Just lay it on the counter," I said, not wanting to touch him.  
"Come on, Spirit," he tantalized. "Don't you want your money?"  
"Put it on the counter and leave," Ashley said.  
"This is between Spirit and me," he said.  
"And the security guards," Ashley retorted. "If you don't leave."  
I jerked the money from his hand and put it in the cash register. "Now go."  
"Chill out, girls. I only came to find a shirt. I didn't know I was going to end up girl-scoping in the mean time. Oh, and Spirit, I'd watch your back if I were you. " With that, he walked off.  
I collapsed back against the counter. "I can't believe that just happened."  
"Neither can I, Paige are you alright?" she said, following him with her eyes to make sure he was gone.  
"I'm fine now," I said. "Is he gone?"  
"Yes, he's gone."  
"Thank God. Did you hear what he said to me?"  
"Yeah, I think we should call the police. It was a threat, you can get a restraining order."  
"A restraining order isn't anything but a sheet of paper, Ash," I said with a sigh. "It doesn't mean a damn thing."  
She knew I was right. "Well, how about this. Why don't you call your mom and ask her if you can spend the night at my house. My parents are going to some sort banquet thing in New York, and Toby is staying with JT. I could use the company."  
"Okay," I said.  
"We could rent a movie and order some take-out. We'll have fun, and we'll get your mind off of Dean, okay?"  
"Sounds great," I said. "You're a great friend, Ash. I'd be lost without you."  
She smiled and gave me a hug of comfort. Something told me that Dean wasn't just speaking idle words when he told me to watch my back. Something deep inside of me said that I really did need to watch my back.


	11. Girls Night

For those of you who want me to update my other stories, I will. I just need to take a break for awhile but I haven't abandoned them. Just be patient. :)  
  
----------------------  
  
I stopped by my house to pick up some clothes for the night. I grabbed a tank top and a pair of pajama pants, and my favorite pair of jeans and crop top for tomorrow. I threw them in my bag and gave mom a quick kiss before heading out the door with Ashley.  
Ashley looked at me, "Can I tell you something?" she asked.  
I became suspicious. "Yeah," I said slowly.  
"I invited someone else over tonight..."  
"Who?" I said.  
"Ellie."  
My eyes widened. "_**What**_? You know she can't stand me!"  
"That isn't true," she insisted. "You are both my friends and I wanted you two to get along. Please do this for me, Paige."  
The doorbell rang. "Do I have a choice?"  
"No," she said. "Now lets have some fun!"  
I smiled. "Okay, okay...but if she insults me one time..."  
"She won't!" Ashley assured me, rushing to the door.  
Ellie walked in and looked as confused as I did.  
"Hey, Ellie," I said, trying my best to be in a good mood. I was going to have fun, despite the social differences between the three of us.  
The uneasiness in her face seemed to melt away as she said, "Hey, Paige."  
"Do you guys want some ice cream?" Ashley asked.  
"Ice cream sounds great," I said.  
We followed Ashley to the kitchen.  
Ashley scooped some ice cream out for the three of us and we sat down at the kitchen table.  
"Paige?"  
I looked up at Ellie. "Yeah?"  
"I'm sorry about your breakup with Spinner. I know he meant a lot to you."  
I smiled at her. "Thanks."  
Maybe I had misjudged her. Maybe there was more to her than a punk hair do and black clothes.  
"So, Paige," Ashley said. "Tell us about this guy that you met."  
"Oh...it's not like that. We're friends," I said. "But he's cool, and he's really easy to talk to. What about you? Who is this mystery guy?"  
Ashley blushed a little. "He's from New York, and he moved here to be with his family. I think that he had a rough childhood-although he's never mentioned that to me-I really care about him. Its different than with Craig or Jimmy. It's deeper."  
I smiled. "I'm glad you found someone."  
"So am I," Ellie said. "You were really upset when Craig cheated on you."  
"I don't really blame him anymore. I mean, it was Manny Santos...hardly any guy can say no to her. And I mean....when you get carried away its hard to stop."  
"Yeah," I admitted. "You are right. But you can't really blame Manny, she just wants to be loved."  
"But at the same time, she went about it the wrong way," Ellie added.  
"True. I'm not really sure she knows any other way though...and that's really sad," I said.  
"It _is_ sad. I just hope she finds someone who can love her. I mean really _love_ her, not just use her for sex. That isn't healthy for anyone." Ashley said with a sigh.  
"So, Ellie," I said. "How has your romantic life been?"  
She looked at me like she thought I was being snobby-but I wasn't. "It's fine."  
"You haven't been seeing anyone?" I asked.  
Just then the doorbell rang, cutting through our conversation. "I'll get it," I said.  
I went to the door and answered it but there was no one there, only a folded sheet of paper. I picked it up and carried it into the kitchen. "Looks like you have a secret admirer, Ash."  
She took the sheet of paper from my hand. As she read it, her face fell.  
"What is it?"  
"N—Nothing...just a scrap piece of paper," she stammered.  
"Yeah right," I snatched it from her hand and read it. My face fell. "Oh my God."  
"What?" Ellie asked, grabbing it from me. "'I see you, Spirit.' What is that supposed to mean?"  
"Ashley...Dean is here," I said.  
"What is going on?"  
Ashley explained a little. "We need to call the police."  
"No," I said. "The police couldn't do anything about the rape remember? There wasn't any evidence."  
"This is evidence that he is stalking you," Ashley said.  
"No. No one is going to call the police."  
"Then let me call someone," she said. "We are three sixteen year old girls who are being watched by a rapist we need to do something."  
"Fine call your boyfriend," I said. "But _not_ the police."  
Ashley picked up the phone and dialed a number. "Damn!" she yelled, throwing it down. "he's not home, and I can't get through on his cell phone."  
"Call Craig," Ellie said. "He would do anything for you."  
"Paige, will you do it?" she asked me.  
"Me?" I said.  
"Please," Ashley begged.  
I grabbed the phone and dialed his number. "Craig? It's Paige...I'm over at Ashley's and we got this really scary note...I was wondering if you would come over?" I said into the phone.  
"Yeah, I'll be there in a few."  
"Thanks." I hung up the phone. "He said he'd be here in a few minutes."  
"Paige," Ashley said. "How did you know Craig's phone number?"  
I froze. "Uh...you remember that guy I told you about? The one from the support group?"  
"Yeah..." she said slowly.  
"That was him. But you can't tell him because I wasn't supposed to tell anyone. Its against the privacy policy."  
"Okay," she said slowly.  
"Yeah, kind of weird I know."  
"Yeah, but these things happen."  
When Craig came through the door it was everything I could do not to run to him and hug him, crying and asking him to protect me. Standing back while he and Ashley talked was one of the hardest things I've ever done.  
Luckily, we didn't hear from Dean the rest of the nigh. When Ashley and Ellie-finally-went to sleep, I could hug Craig at last. He was the only person who could comfort me.  
"I was so scared," I said. "I told you I felt like he was going to come back. This is the second time today!"  
He wiped tears from my cheeks. "It's okay, I'm here now. He wont hurt you again."  
"Thank you, Craig," I said. "Thank you so much for being such a good friend to me."  
It was true, too. He was being a really good friend. A _best_ friend. 


	12. Why Don't You Kiss Her?

Okay this chapter may get confusing but I hope not. So good luck!!! The song at the end of the chapter is 'Why don't you kiss her?' by Jesse McCartney.

Craig fell asleep not long after we talked. Suddenly remembering the half carton of ice-cream I had eaten, I felt so nauseous. Despite the lost weight, I still felt like I was overweight. Maybe it wasn't even about my size. It was something I could control...I could control what I ate and I could control if I threw up or not, even if I couldn't control Dean or if I couldn't control if he was stalking me or that my relationship with Spinner had gone down the drain.  
  
All of those thoughts were running through my mind as I threw up what I had eaten before. I stood in front of the mirror and wiped tears from my eyes and washed my face. I opened the door and almost fainted. Ellie was standing in the doorway looking at me like I was a freak.  
  
"What was that about, Paige?" She asked me.   
I walked past her. "It was nothing, don't be so dramatic."   
She grabbed my arm. "You have an eating disorder, don't you?"   
"No! I felt sick and could you blame me? I mean with everything that's going on...." I stopped before I gave myself away.   
"Why are you doing this to yourself?"  
"I'm not doing anything! God, a girl can't even get sick without being blamed for bulimia."   
"Are you bulimic?"   
"No!"   
"Then why are you being so touchy?" I stopped.  
"Ellie, you don't know what your talking about. You don't know what's going on, and even if you did you would be too busy pining for the guy that my brother is in love with to even realize what is right under your face!"   
She looked at me, her stare was cold...almost unfeeling but at the same time compassionate. "You don't know what you're talking about. This has nothing to do with Marco. This has to do with you hurting yourself."   
"You should know about hurting yourself!" as soon as the words flew from my mouth I regretted it.   
She looked hurt. "This isn't about me, its about you. And what you're doing isn't healthy."   
"I'm not doing anything." With that, I walked away from her.  
  
I walked into my house the next morning.  
"What's wrong?" Dylan asked.  
I looked to the couch where he was sitting. "Nothing, I'm fine," I said through gritted teeth.  
"Yeah, right. Now sit down and tell me what's wrong."  
I sighed. "It's nothing...life is complicated."  
"Talking helps..." he said as I ran upstairs to my room.  
  
I plopped down on my bed, wanting to disappear. I looked around the neatly organized room. By the way my bedroom looked, no one could have guessed that my life was a mess. ---------------  
  
Craig lay on his bed that night, thinking of Paige. She had no idea how deep his feelings for her were, and even if she did he was almost positive that she wouldn't return her feelings. She had been raped and that had to effect her relationship or her ability to be affectionate. He wasn't going to push things. He wanted to be there for her. Paige needed him, and he liked to feel needed. But sometimes he had to wonder...why didn't he just kiss her? When Paige ran to him, needing him to hold her and comfort her, all he had wanted to do was kiss her tears away, but he couldn't. he couldn't betray her trust or let her know that there was anything deeper than friendship.  
  
Sometimes he had to wonder why he was walking on edge. He hadn't bothered to take it slow with Ashley, and definitely not with Manny. So what was it about Paige that was different? Was it that she needed him....or that she had been hurt and needed to trust him? Was it that he could be in love with her?  
  
Why Don't You Kiss Her? We're the best of friends  
  
And we share our secrets  
  
She knows everything that is on my mind  
  
Ohhh...  
  
Lately something's changed  
  
As I lie awake, in my bed  
  
A voice here inside my head  
  
Softly says  
  
Why don't you kiss her  
  
Why don't you tell her  
  
Why don't you let her see the feelings that you hide  
  
She'll never know  
  
If you never show  
  
The way you feel inside Oh, I'm so afraid  
  
To make the first move  
  
Just a touch and we could  
  
cross the line  
  
And every time she's near  
  
I wanna never let her go  
  
Confess to her what my heart  
  
knows, hold her close  
  
What would she say  
  
I wonder would she just turn away  
  
or would she promise me  
  
that she's here to stay  
  
It hurts me to wait  
  
I keep asking myself Why Don't you kiss her (tell her you love her)  
  
Why Don't You tell her (tell her you need her)  
  
Why don't you let her see  
  
The Feelings that you hide  
  
Cause she'll never know  
  
If you never show  
  
The way you feel inside


	13. When I Saw You Cry

I sat at my computer in Media Immersion, staring into cyber-space.  
"Paige?" Craig's voice came from behind me.  
I turned to see him. "Yeah?"  
"I was wondering if you would like to go to the park after school?" he asked. "I kind of need to talk to you?"  
"Sure," I said.   
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

I met up with Craig at the park. He was leaning against the slide, his hands stuffed in the pockets of his leather jacket. His head was hung, strands of curls hung around his eyes. As I approached him, he glanced up and forced a smile. I could tell he was upset.  
"What's wrong, Craig?" I asked him, standing in front of him.  
He wiped a tear from his eye. "I was just thinking about my dad, and how he used to be," he stopped to take a breath. "And I remember that he used to cheat on my mom all the time," tears were pouring down his cheeks now. "I _don't_ want to be like my dad, Paige."  
"You're _not_ like your dad," I told him, gently wiping the tears away.  
"When I think of how much it used to hurt my mom, I always swore that I would never do that to a woman. But I did. I'm exactly like him. I hate it...I look in the mirror and I see him."  
"Craig," I said. "You aren't like him. You are the _kindest_, _sweetest_, most gifted person I have ever met. No one like that could be cruel."  
Our eyes met and I saw for the first time...the compassion he held, the love in his eyes.  
I wrapped my arms around him, hugging him. I wanted to take his pain away, I wanted to make sure he would never hurt again.  
We held eye contact for a moment, and I could feel us drawing closer and closer. He kissed me...or had I kissed him? I'm not sure but it didn't matter.  
He pulled back suddenly. "I'm sorry," he stammered.  
"Sorry....for what?" I asked.  
"I have to go..." he said, running off.  
"_Craig_!" I called after him, but he didn't stop or slow down. He just kept running. That's when I realized...he didn't feel anything for me. I might as well be his sister, despite my feelings for him. But then I had to ask myself...what _**was**_ I feeling for him?  
  
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
When I got home that day, I picked up the phone to call Craig. I dialed the number, but nobody answered. Hanging up, I sighed and flopped down on my bed.  
"What's wrong?" Dylan asked from the doorway.  
"I wish I knew," I said.  
"Something happen with Craig?" He grabbed the chair from my desk, turned it around and sat in it backwards, his head resting on the back of the chair.  
"Yeah," I said. "I just don't know what."  
"Why don't you tell me? I'll try to help," he said.  
"Craig and I went to the park after school today because he was upset and he wanted to talk. I was trying to comfort him...and then something weird happened. We kissed. Then he ran off," I explained.  
"He just ran off?" he asked.  
"Yeah, he ran off. I tried calling him and he wont answer the phone."  
"Maybe he's embarrassed about what he did. Maybe he thinks you aren't into him that way," Dylan suggested.  
I sighed.  
"Are you into him that way?"  
I searched my brain for an answer. "I don't know. He's my best friend, I can tell him anything. But at the same time, he's sweet and funny and serious....everything that I need in a guy right now."  
"Aw," Dylan mocked. "My sissy's in love!"  
"Dylan, I'm serious. I don't know what to do."  
"Talk to him about it. You're a great person, any guy would be _**lucky**_ to have you."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
I knocked on the door of Craig's house. Craig answered. "Can we talk?" I asked.  
"I don't think there's really anything to talk about..." he said.  
"Craig," I narrowed my eyes at him. "We _need_ to talk."  
"Let's go to the garage," he said. "We can have privacy in there."  
I followed him to the garage. There was a sort of lime green couch on one side. A set of drums was in another part of the room, and a guitar sat on the couch. He turned the light on and the room was illuminated. We sat on the couch.  
"I'm sorry," Craig said.  
"What are you apologizing for?"  
"For attacking you."  
"What? You didn't attack me."  
"Maybe not...but I feel like a jerk. Like I forced myself on you," he hung his head.  
"Craig, you didn't...why would you think that?"  
He shrugged. "I don't know."  
"Craig, listen to me," I took my hand and lifted his chin, making him look me in the eye. "You are the best friend I have found and I don't want to lose that. You are a really sweet, sensitive and funny guy...and earlier, when I saw you cry, I wanted to hold you. I wanted to make it go away, like you have done for me. I don't know what I'm feeling...but I don't want it to leave."  
"Neither do I," he said after a few moments of silence. "Paige...I don't know what's going on."  
"I don't know either," I said. "But I do know that I care about you. I'm not willing to lose our friendship."  
He took a deep breath. "Paige? I was wondering...if well, if you're not doing anything on Friday night, I was sort of hoping we could do something together?"  
I smiled. "I would love to."


	14. Shocking News

Thanks to SVU-obsessed for helping me with this story.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------- The main thing that I needed for my date with Craig was to be relaxed. Sure, I had to look good, but I had to feel even better. So I ran a bubble bath and lit some candles and locked the doors. I put my Avril Lavigne CD in my stereo and turned it on.  
  
As I sank into the water, a soothing, relaxed and calm feeling came over me. I sighed let out a slow, calming breath. Replaying the days events in my mind, I tried to pinpoint the meaning in the way Craig looked at me. I was probably nothing more than a friend to him, but still, I couldn't help but wonder how he felt about me.  
  
Getting out of the bathtub about thirty minutes later, I dried off and put my bathrobe on. I didn't know where we were going to go, so I didn't know what to wear either. I sat down at my vanity to lightly put on my makeup. I started with foundation of course. Then a silvery colored eye shadow and a nude colored lipstick. After that, I ventured to my closet to try to find something to wear.  
  
I tried on a blue denim skirt, tossed it. Then a floral skirt, tossed it. After a few more tries I settled on a flirty pink skirt and a white one shoulder long sleeved shirt. I looked in the mirror, and I liked what I saw for once. After pairing it with an awesome pair of heels, and the right handbag, I was ready.  
  
"_Wow_, Paige, you look **amazing**," Mom said when I came downstairs. "Did you decide to give Spinner another chance?"  
  
"Actually, I have a date with the guy I met at the support group, you remember Craig, right?"  
  
"Oh," she said. "Well, I hope you have fun."  
  
I noticed the skimpy black dress she was wearing. "Where are you going?"  
  
"I have a date with that guy I've been seeing, Jackson," she said. "Do I look okay?"  
  
"You look great," I said.  
  
The doorbell rang.  
  
"I'll get it," I said, walking to the door. I answered it. Craig was standing in the doorway. He was wearing a white tee-shirt and his leather jacket with a dark pair of jeans. He wasn't wearing anything special but he looked really classy.  
  
"You look amazing," he said after a moment of silence.  
  
"Thank you," I told him.  
  
"So...I was thinking we could go to this cute little diner I know of and then maybe go for a walk on the beach?" he said.  
  
"Sounds perfect," I said as we walked out the door.  
  
We walked to the diner, talking softly about school and music. We sat at a booth in the back. He sat across from me, taking his leather jacket off and resting it next to him. I sat my purse down next to me, picking up the menu that sat in front of me.  
  
"Can I take your order?" that voice sounded so familiar. I looked up. Dean.  
  
"Uh..." I looked at Craig.  
  
He returned a confused look. "I'll have a cheeseburger and a milkshake," Craig said. "And, Paige, what do you want?"  
  
"Yeah, Spirit, what do you want?" Dean asked.  
  
It seemed to click in Craig's mind. His eyes widened, and he went to stand up.  
  
"Craig, no," I said, touching his arm. "I think I want a different waiter," I said to Dean.  
  
"And what makes you think I would agree to that?" he asked.  
  
"Do you want your boss to know that he has a rapist working for him? I'm not that naïve, stupid girl you manipulated, Dean. And I want you to leave me alone...for good."  
  
He sighed and walked off.  
  
"Go, Paige! You stood up to him, I'm proud of you!"  
  
"I did...didn't I?" I asked with a slight blush.  
  
"Can I take your order?" a woman's voice asked.  
  
I looked up and smiled at the pretty, black haired woman. "Yeah...I'll have a salad and a milkshake."  
  
"And you, sir?"  
  
"I'll have a cheeseburger and a milkshake."  
  
"What flavor?"  
  
"Vanilla," Craig and I said in unison. Our eyes met and we giggled.  
  
"So, how have things at home been?" I asked Craig.  
  
"Good...kind of lonely, though. Caitlin and Joey are almost always spending time with Angie."  
  
"I'm sorry. I know what you mean. Mom is with her new boyfriend and Dylan is, well....Dylan," I tried to laugh lightly.  
  
"It gets lonely, doesn't it?" he asked.  
  
"Very."  
  
"So, this guy that your mom is seeing...do you like him?"  
  
"I don't remember meeting him.. I mean, this is just one in her list of many."  
  
"Oh...I see. If you don't mind me asking...what happened to your dad?"  
  
I swallowed hard. A knot formed in my throat. "He...uh...He's not around," I said finally.  
  
He nodded, understanding.  
  
"So, anyway, I think they met at a singles bar or something. That's a really promising relationship, isn't it?"  
  
"Yeah, really," he said.  
  
"How's your little sister?"  
  
"More adorable than ever. She's so sweet...but she kind of misses Manny."  
  
"Why would she miss Manny?"  
  
"Because, Manny would play dress-up with her, or do her make-up or something. She really misses having a girl to play with."  
  
"Aw, that's so sweet."  
  
"Yeah, it is." He reached over and took my hand in his. "I want to thank you...for always being there for me. when I was down you would cheer me up...when I was hurt you would help me heal. Thank you, Paige."  
  
"You were the one who was always there for me. I mean...I could call you in the middle of the night and count on you to be there to comfort me. that was something I really needed."  
  
He smiled.  
  
Just then the waitress sat our food down in front of us. Our hands parted and I picked up the fork to start eating.  
  
"Craig?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"I'm having a really good time tonight."  
  
"Me too." he smiled and took a bite of his burger.  
  
Later that night, when he dropped me off at home...I didn't want the night to end. Being with him, spending time with him, it was so amazing.  
  
"I had an awesome time tonight, Craig," I said, lightly touching his arm.  
  
"So did I," he said, smiling.  
  
"So...uh...I hope we can do it again sometime?"  
  
"You read my mind."  
  
I brought my hand up to brush a strand of curls from his eyes. I let the hand gently stroke his cheek, bringing us closer together. before I knew what was happening, we were kissing. His hand lightly cradled the back of my neck. When we parted we said goodnight and I went inside.  
  
"Paige, I'm glad you're home," Mom said when I leaned against the door.  
  
I looked at her, a little puzzled. Just then a man came from the living room. He was tall, dark hair. He looked really familiar.  
  
"Who are you?" I asked.  
  
"I'm your father, Paige."


	15. New Addition to the Family

"What?" I shrieked before I knew what had happened. "How dare you call yourself my father?"  
  
"Paige, I know you are upset with me, but you have to hear my explanation."  
  
"You mean your excuse!"  
  
"_Paige_," Mom said in a 'calling-down' tone. "Listen to him. He's your father."  
  
"No he's not."  
  
A look of pain came over his face. "I understand why you are acting this way...but Paige...I had no choice..."  
  
"Yes you did. You had a family, a son and a daughter and a _wife_. You gave all of that up for some woman who was willing to spread her legs for you!"  
  
"_Paige, that i_s _enough_!" Mom sounded furious.  
  
I fell silent and sank onto the couch. "What are you doing here?"  
  
"I came to see my family."  
  
"We're _not_ your family."  
  
"Now, Paige, that hurts," he took a step to me.  
  
"Well, it hurt when you walked out but did you care?"  
  
"Of course I cared..."  
  
"The hell you did."  
  
"**_Paige_**!" Mom's voice was demanding this time.  
  
"Mom, how could you let him into this house? How could you let him back into your life?"  
  
"Because, he's your father."  
  
"I don't have a father. He died when he walked out."  
  
I could tell that my words stung at his heart-if he had such a thing- but I couldn't find it in me to care. This man had walked out on a wife, son, and daughter and hadn't bothered to call for seven years. How could I feel compassion for such a person?  
  
"I know what I did was wrong, and I am terribly sorry for that. I fell in love with her, I couldn't help it...Paige, you have to believe me."  
  
"Why? _Why_ should I believe you? I believed you when you said you would call and you let me down. I believed you when you said you will always be there for me and never leave and you let me down, then too. Why should I believe you now?"  
  
"You're absolutely right. I did let you down. But I would like to make it up to you."  
  
"It's too late for that." I walked past him and up the stairs my bedroom.  
  
As I lay on my bed, I thought about the past. I thought about the times I had wished my "dad" had been there. For instance, when I got starred in the schools production of '_The Swan Princess'_ in grade seven. Or when Dean raped me. I wished he had been there but he hadn't. I doubt he even knows what happened. It's like he doesn't care. He never has. If he had...then why had he left?  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------  
  
I awoke the next morning to the sunlight in my window. I hoped, I prayed, that I would have to get up and go to school but I knew it was Saturday. I looked over at the clock that read 11:30. I groaned, not wanting to get up. I turned onto my stomach and covered my head.  
  
"Paige?" I heard Dylan's voice behind me.  
  
"What?" I groaned.  
  
"Dad wants to talk to you downstairs."  
  
"I don't have a dad."  
  
"Paige, come on," I felt him sit down at the bed. "I know he hurt you. He hurt me too. But he's still our father. And you still have a loyalty to him, regardless of if you like that or not."  
  
I sighed. I knew he was right. I rolled over and sighed. "What he did _sucked_."  
  
"I know." He smiled a little. "But, I mean, everyone has to make choices. Sometimes they aren't easy, or right, but you can't change the past. But you can enjoy the future."  
  
"When did you get so smart?" I winked at him.  
  
He smiled. "Now get up, shower and dress...and for heavens sake, brush your teeth!" he laughed.  
  
I slapped him playfully. "Get out of here!"  
  
After I showered and dressed I went downstairs. Mom and Dad—woops—were sitting at the kitchen table with Dylan. Mom rolled her coffee mug between her hands, as if she was cold...or really bored...maybe nervous. Dylan sat with his cup of coffee in front of him, starring at it blankly. Dad---there I go again—well, his cup was empty.  
  
"What's going on? Why does everyone look so devastated?" I asked as I slowly slid into the fourth seat of the table.  
  
"Paige, you're father..." Mom started to say.  
  
"...I have something to tell you." Dad cut her off and they exchanged a worried glance.  
  
"What's going on?" I poured myself a cup of coffee and added cream and sugar to it.  
  
"Well... Paige..."  
  
"Just say it already." I took a drink of the coffee.  
  
"You remember Judy? The woman...I was seeing? My wife..." he started.  
  
I nodded.  
  
"She's pregnant."  
  
I almost choked. "_What_!"  
  
"Paige, don't make it harder..."  
  
"You came here to tell me that you have your mistress knocked up?"  
  
"Paige," Mom's voice was stern. "Do not talk to your father that way."  
  
I ran from the house, leaving them behind. I heard them calling me...telling me...demanding me to come back but I ignored them. I didn't care. I couldn't believe that he had gotten her pregnant.  
  
I rang the doorbell of Craig's house. I didn't know how I had ended up there.  
  
Caitlin answered the door. "Paige, is everything alright? You look upset."  
  
"I'm fine...is Craig here?" I asked, running my hands through my hair and shivering against the wind.  
  
"Yes, come in." she stepped aside and let me in. "He's in his bedroom, up the stairs to the left."  
  
"Thanks," I mumbled, following her directions. I came to a closed door that said "Caution" on a yellow sign. I heard a guitar playing. I knocked.  
  
"Come in!" he shouted.  
  
I opened the door and stepped inside. Dirty clothes were scattered among the floor. A red light shone from the closet...probably his dark room. His bed was unmade.  
  
"Paige," he stood up and put the guitar away. "I didn't know you were coming over or I would have cleaned up." He picked up a pile of laundry and moved them to a hamper that was already overflowing in the corner.  
  
"It's alright...you don't have to clean up. I needed to talk." I stood awkwardly in the doorway.  
  
"Are you okay?" he used his foot to move the clothes and then sat down on the bed. He gestured for me to sit next to him and I did. "What happened?"  
  
"Its my dad...he's back."  
  
He looked at me for a moment as I tried to find the words to go on.  
  
"He left my family seven years ago to be with a woman he was having an affair with. He came back last night and we had a fight. I told him that he wasn't my dad and some other stuff that I really didn't mean to say. This morning, Dylan and I talked and...I was ready to forgive and forget, you know? So then I go downstairs...and..." I started to cry. "...he told us that he married the woman, Judy. Now she's pregnant."  
  
"Oh, Paige, I'm so sorry..." he put his arms around me to comfort me.  
  
"How could he just trade us in like that?" I tried to control the sobbing but it was useless. "How could he claim to love us and then trade us in for a new woman and a new baby?"  
  
He turned me to face him. "Paige, I'm sure that's not what he meant to do. Maybe he has a good reason for leaving and maybe he doesn't. but an innocent baby _isn't_ to blame."  
  
It was at that moment, sitting there on his bed, his hands on my shoulders and my eyes peering into his that I realized what had happened. I had fallen in love with Craig. I kissed him impulsively. I wanted to be with him. Right then. Right there. I wanted to be his.  
  
One thing led to another. Craig's hands were resting on my stomach. He was on top of me, kissing me. "We can't..." he managed to say, pulling back a little.  
  
"I want to," I told him, kissing him again.  
  
"So do I," he said. "But we can't. not here. Not like this. I don't want you to regret it...I want our first time to be special."  
  
I sighed, knowing he was right. "You're right. I'm sorry."

"You don't have to be sorry. I don't want to take advantage of you. Paige...I love you."

I wasn't really shocked as much as I was happy. "I love you, too."


	16. What used to be

Despite what I wish, I actually no nothing about the guitar. I have one...but I don't know what type or how to play it. Lol. So ignore if I don't go into much detail about the guitar okay?   
  
------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Craig and I sat on his bed. He was strumming his guitar. We were writing a song together.   
  
"Okay," he said, picking up the beat. "One, two, three..."  
  
"I still remember when everything seemed   
  
To be okay, I had friends, I had love  
  
But then one day it all changed. And I   
  
find myself thinking of what used to be," I sang.  
  
"That was great, Paige," he said.   
  
"You really think so?" I asked.  
  
"Yeah, I do." He looked out the window at the darkening sky and his face became distant.   
  
"What's wrong?"   
  
"Nothing."   
  
"Craig, don't lie to me."  
  
"Its getting late and I don't want you to leave."   
  
"That's sweet. I don't want to leave either. I don't want to go home. It'll be too hard to face them. I mean, now I understand what happened. He left...it hurts but I have to move on. But at the same time, I can't face them yet. Its going to be so hard."   
  
"You can stay here," he said.  
  
I smiled. "Will Joey mind?"   
  
"I'm sure he doesn't care. He and Caitlin went to bed hours ago. No one has to know." He smiled, a lock of hair falling across his eyes.   
  
"Do you want me to?" I brushed the strand of curls from his eyes.   
  
He leaned over and kissed my cheek lightly. "Of course."   
  
"Craig? Thank you so much for everything you have done. It means a lot."   
  
"Anytime."   
  
"Well, I wish I could take you up on your offer to stay, but, unfortunately I can't. I have to face the consequences."   
  
He nodded. "I understand. Do you want me to walk you home? It's getting dark."  
  
"Would you mind? I mean, dark alleys at night are kind of freaky."   
  
Craig and I stood outside of door. I didn't want to go in, but I had to.   
  
"Thanks for being there for me, Craig," I said.   
  
"Anytime. What are friends for?" He smiled lightly and brushed a stray strand of hair from my eyes.   
  
"Yeah, its just that...well, it means a lot to me. you have been a really good friend."   
  
"You've been there for me, too. Listen...the end of the year dance is coming up..." he ran his fingers, a nervous habit. "And anyway...I was wondering if you would go with me?"   
  
I smiled. "Of course. I'd love to."


	17. Friends

Sorry the last chapter was so short. I'll try to make this one longer.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

I walked into the house almost dreadfully.

"Paige, you're home! Where did you go?" Mom came from the living room.

"I was at Craig's house. I needed to talk to somebody." I sank onto the couch and looked over at 'Dad'. "Look, I'm okay with the baby, alright?"

"Then why did you run out?"

"Because, I haven't seen you in how many years without so much as a postcard and then you come back to tell me you have your mistress pregnant? _Hello_?"

"I know I've been a bad father in the past. But I am here to try to make that up to you. If you'll let me."

"I don't know. You've hurt me. I'll have to think about it." With that, I walked upstairs to my room.

I sat on my bed and looked at the phone. There was something I needed to do. I picked up the phone and dialed Spinners number.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Mrs. Mason, this is Paige."

"Hi Paige! We haven't seen you around here in a while, how have you been?"

"I'm okay. Is Spinner home?"

"Yeah, hon., here he is."

"Hello?" Spinners voice came over the line.

"Spin, its Paige."

"_What_ do you want?"

"I needed to talk to you. I miss you. You're a really good friend."

"Not as good as Craig, huh?"

His words stung my heart. "Spinner, listen to me. You are a great person. I loved you. But Craig...he's been through a lot of the things I have. He's someone I can talk to. But I still _miss_ _you_. We used to be so close."

"I know. I miss you too."

"I want us to be friends. Is that okay?"

"Yeah. That's okay."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I sat at my computer, looking at a few dresses online for the end of the year dance. A few of them weren't really what I was looking for. But there was one, one that was beautiful. One that was just what I needed. It was a rose pink, sort of lavender with a corset tie up in the back. The front was sort of a v-neck, with spaghetti strap strings that tied around the neck. It came with a pair of silver shoes. The dress was perfect. I had to have it. I ordered it and closed out the window.


	18. Growing up

I paced nervously around the living room as I waited for Craig to come. My hair hung in ringlets around my face, and my make-up had been done by my mom earlier. The feelings I had for Craig were genuine. They were sincere. As I saw Craig walking up the sidewalk, a nervous feeling sank into the pit of my stomach. He was wearing a white button up shirt, un-tucked, with a white sports coat over it and a pair of black slacks. He looked amazing.

Craig and I were at the dance, having a good time. We were dancing every so often and then sitting on the side to talk. A few songs played that didn't really describe our relationship, but they were still pretty. Like, Suddenly, by O-town. I think it described how Craig felt about Ashley, but its just a guess.

_She said it wasn't my fault  
She said we gave it our all  
And she walked away  
I never saw the girls I spoke to, no  
But tell me is there something I can do  
  
Leave another message on the telephone  
And you're parked outside with your headlights on  
  
Suddenly I'm standing at your door  
And the steps don't feel like they did before  
The radio's playing loud but it's not our song  
Suddenly he's all alone with you  
He's looking in your eyes like I wanted to  
I knock four times and pretend you're not at home  
Suddenly I'm all alone  
Suddenly I'm all alone  
  
She said it wasn't the same (she said it wasn't the same)  
You said our life's been so plain  
Then she walked away  
Want to make things brand new  
Tell me is there something I can do, whoa  
  
Leave another message on the telephone  
And you're parked outside with your headlights on  
  
Suddenly I'm standing at your door  
And the steps don't feel like they did before  
The radio's playing loud but it's not our song  
Suddenly he's all alone with you  
He's looking in your eyes like I wanted to  
I knock four times and pretend you're not at home  
Suddenly I'm all alone  
  
Suddenly I'm all alone...  
Suddenly I'm all alone...  
The radio's playing...the radio's playing...  
Suddenly I'm all alone...  
The radio's playing loud but it's not our song  
Yeah yeah yeah yeah  
  
Suddenly I'm standing at the door  
And the steps don't feel like they did before  
The radio's playing loud but it's not our song  
Suddenly I'm all alone with her  
She's everything that I wish you were  
You knock four times and pretend I'm not at home  
  
Suddenly I'm standing at the door  
And the steps don't feel like they did before  
The radio's playing loud but it's not our song (but it's not our song)  
Suddenly I'm all alone with her  
She's everything that I wish you were  
You knock four times and pretend I'm not at home  
  
Suddenly I'm standing at your door  
And the steps don't feel like they did before  
The radio's playing loud but it's not our song (not our song, oh)  
Suddenly I'm all alone with her  
She's everything that I wish you were  
You knock four times and pretend I'm not at home_

As the song ended, Craig and I left the dance floor. I spotted Ashley across the room. Feeling guilty about being at the dance with her ex-boyfriend, I told Craig I had to use the restroom and went to talk to her.

"Ash, can I have a minute?" I said, taking her by the arm and gently pulling her from the room.

"Yeah, Paige. What's going on?"

"I feel really bad."

"About..."

"Are you okay with this Craig and me situation? Because if you're not, then let me know and I'll call it off."

"Don't be ridiculous, Paige. Of course I'm okay with it. You remember that question I asked you a while ago?"

"Yeah?"

"Well...he told me he loves me."

"Aw, Ash, that's so sweet."

"That's not all, though." She pulled me into the girls washroom so we could talk more privately. "He asked me to _marry_ him!"

I almost fainted. "He...he _**what**_?"

"He said that he loves me and that he doesn't want love to just pass him by. Then he proposed."

"Ash, that's terrific! I'm so happy for you." I hugged her.

"I haven't told Mom yet, but I know she'll be happy for us. But anyway, I wanted to tell you something. Devon proposing to me made me realize how fragile and how rare true love _really_ is. The way Devon looks at me, the way his hand touches mine, its amazing, Paige, and it's the same with you and Craig. I've seen the way you look at him and the way he looks at you. He is in love with you."

Her words made me cry. I know it sounds ridiculous, but it is unexplainable.

"I want you to go find Craig," she ordered. "Get him out of here and tell him that you love him too. He's a great guy, Paige. Don't lose him."

I opened my mouth to protest but she shushed my with her hand.

"Go talk to him."

I smiled and left the washroom.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Craig and I walked through the door of his house. The house was deserted and dark. Craig turned a light on and led me up the stairs.

"Craig," I started. But the words fled from me. We sat on his bed. "You were always there for me, Craig. When I was so upset, when I was depressed. When I was horrified, **_you_** were there. You were there for me. when I needed you the most, you were there. I love you Craig. I mean it, I really mean it. I love you."

"I love you too, Paige. You understand me like no one else could. When I was afraid or sad about how my dad used to be, people were like, 'That's in the past. Why can't you just get over it?' but you understand that it isn't that easy. I fell in love with you the moment I realized how sweet, and how compassionate you are.''

I kissed him. One thing led to another and clothes were discarded and thrown on the floor. I didn't stop him this time because I knew that it was right. I knew I loved him. That was all that mattered.

I was vaguely aware of the sound of the door opening downstairs as Craig and I sat up to get re-dressed.

About that time, the door burst open and Caitlin was standing in the doorway. She had bags in her hands and her jaw was dropped. She walked back out and closed the door without saying anything.

I sighed and threw my dress on. I leaned my head against Craig's shoulder and sighed. "You don't think she's upset do you?" I asked.

"Nah," he said. "I'm sixteen. I can do what I want."

"I should go," I said, realizing it was one in the morning.

"I'll call you."

I smiled and ran out the door. I didn't stop running until I got home and opened the front door. Mom's car wasn't in the driveway, so she was probably out with what's-his-face. Dylan was on the couch in front of the television, like always. 

"Hey, you're home pretty late. Have fun at the dance?"

"Yeah, I had a great time." I tried to hide the embarrassment flooding into my cheeks.

"You slept with him didn't you?" he asked, a weird look of suspiscion in his eyes. Like his little sister was growing up.

"What? You're crazy."

"You _**smell**_ like sex. You _**look**_ like sex. Better take a shower before Mom gets home." He called after me as I walked up the stairs to my bedroom.

I changed out of my dress and into a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. I climbed into bed and was asleep within minutes.

I awoke to the sound of the phone ringing. Drowsily, I picked up the phone and muttered 'hello'.

"Paige? It's Caitlin. Could we talk?"

"Yeah. Want to meet me at the coffee house in about thirty minutes?"

"That would be great. Talk to you then."

I climbed out of bed and into the shower. The water woke me up and the events of last night were still in my mind. When I was done in the shower I blow-dried my hair and pulled on a hooded sweatshirt and a pair of jeans with sneakers.

I walked down the street to the coffee house and saw Caitlin already seated inside.

"Hey," I said gently, walking up to her and taking a seat across the table from her.

"Hi. I'm really sorry about walking in on you and Craig the other day."

"Don't worry about it." I nervously ran my fingers through my hair. "What did you want to talk about?"

"I just wanted to let you know that I understand."

"Understand?"

"Yes. I understand what its like to love someone and to want to be with them. I don't have a problem with your relationship with Craig. But I do want you to be safe. You have a lot going for you, Paige. You don't want to mess that up."

I shook my head. "No, I don't."

"You're going to play it safe, aren't you?" she said. "I mean, if its birth control you need, I can take you to get it. I just know how hard it was on Spike, being a single teenage mother."

"Thank you for your concern. If I need anything I'll tell you."


	19. Rainy nights

I was pretending to be deeply engrossed in my English homework one night, when there was a knock at the door. Dylan wasn't home, and Mom was on a date so I was kind of cautious as I opened the door. Ashley was in the doorway, a suitcase at her feet . it was raining and her shoulder length hair fell in wet clumps around her face.

"Ash, what's going on?" I asked, stepping aside to let her in.

"I told Mom about Devon and me," she said. "She freaked out. She said I was way too young to get married and that I have my whole life ahead of me. She forbade me to see him again, so we're running away together."

"What? Ash, you _can't_ do that! Are you crazy?"

"Not you, too, Paige. Come on, we've been friends forever. Support me on this."

"Where will you go? Where will you stay?"

"His family lives in California I think. We're going to go stay with them for a while. I don't know what I'm going to do, Paige."

"At least stay until the rain lets up?" I asked.

"Can Devon come in?"

"Of course. I'm going to go make some coffee, okay?"

She nodded and I went to the kitchen. I couldn't believe this, Ashley was so responsible—so..._Ashley_. Now she was going to run away with some guy? I heard the door open and I turned. Suddenly, I realized why Ashley was so hung up on this guy. He was tall, and had short blond hair and deep blue eyes. His cheekbones were high and prominent.

"You must be Devon," I said, shaking his hand and smiling.

"And you must be Paige," he said, flashing a smile.

"The coffee's almost done," I told Ashley.

We sat down at the table and there was an awkward silence. "So, what happened?"

"It's a long story," Ashley said. "I wanted to tell Mom about the wedding so I did. She _freaked_ _out_, She said that I was going to turn out just like her and she didn't want that to happen. She also said that I was only seventeen and that I needed to stop and think about what I was doing to my future. She just doesn't understand." A tear escaped Ashley's eye and Devon put his hand over hers.

I wanted to tell Ashley that maybe her mother was right and that she was young and she did have her whole life in front of her. I wanted to ask her what she was going to do about Law School, but I knew that would only drive her away. She was my best friend and she needed me right now. "Its okay, Ash. Maybe we could go talk to her. Just me and you, like old times? Remember when you drove your bike into her new car? And I went with you to tell her? She didn't freak out as bad because she didn't want to scare me? And I stayed long enough for her to cool down?"

She smiled. "I remember."

"Maybe I should talk to her for you."

"No," she stood up. "Its stopped raining, and we have to get a start. I'm sorry, but I have to go."

"Ashley," I said.

"I have to go, Paige," she hugged me. "Goodbye. I'll call you!"

With that, she turned and ran from the house.

I picked up the phone to call Craig, I needed him right now. My best friend had just left town with a guy she barely knew and I didn't know when I would hear from her again.

The phone rang once, twice, three times...four times. "Hello?"

"Craig?" I asked.

"No, this is Joey. Craig's...at a friends house. Can I take a message?"

"Uh—yeah—tell him Paige called?"

"Okay, I'll tell him."

For the first time in a long time, Craig wasn't there when I needed him.

**Authors Note:**

**Now, I know that it probably isnt that easy to leave the country but humor me! Read and review!**


	20. Old wounds

I sank onto my bed after hanging the phone up. I don't know why, but I had felt crushed when Craig wasn't there for me. I guess I had grown dependant on him, too dependent. I wondered where he was at and who he was with, but I guessed it was probably Marco or Sean.

"Paige," Dylan burst through the doors of my bedroom.

"Can't you knock?" I asked bitterly.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing. What did you have to tell me?"

"Just that mom said she wasn't going to be home tonight, and neither am I. so maybe you should ask Craig to come over or maybe Ashley?"

"I just tried to call Craig, he's not home. And Ashley ran away."

"Ran away?" he sat down on the edge of my bed.

"Yeah," I wiped a tear from my eye. "She met this guy and they ran away together."

"That's not like Ashley."

"I don't know what's wrong with her."

"Where's Craig?"

"I don't know that either," I said. I tried to stop from crying.

"Do you want me to stay?"

"You don't have to."

"Do you want me to?"

"No, I'm fine. Go have fun."

He eyed me for a moment and then walked to the door.

"I tried to warn you," he said.

"Warn me?"

"Yes. I tried to tell you that after you had sex with him you would become super-sensitive about everything. There's no going back now." He closed the door behind him and I laid down on the bed. He was right. There was no going back...even if I had wanted to.

I racked my brain for someone to call and talk to. I tried Hazel, but she was with her aunt and wouldn't answer her cell phone. I tried Terri but she wouldn't answer the phone either. I even tried Ellie, but she wasn't home. Finally, I dialed Spinners phone number.

It rang and it rang and it rang. Just when I was ready to hang up, Spinner answered the phone, sounding sleepy.

"Did I wake you?" I asked.

"Kind of. What's going on?" I could hear him yawn.

I turned over on my side on the bed. "I'm just kind of upset that's all. It's like my life has been turned upside down."

"Ashley came to see you, then?"

"How did you know?"

"I ran into her while I was at the Dot. She said goodbye to me and that she was on her way to see you."

"She left about an hour ago. I don't believe she's actually moving away with that guy. Does she even know him?"

"You know Ashley. She's always wanted that type of romance. She couldn't get it with Jimmy so she went to Craig and when Craig cheated on her, she went to an older guy, its who she is."

"Yeah, I know. It's just so hard to believe."

"It is."

"I miss you," I said quietly.

"I miss you, too."

"What happened with us?" I asked, trying to stop from crying. "Its like...we were Paige and Spinner...Degrassi's super couple. And then...it just went all to hell."

"You were Dean-centric and I was afraid."

"Afraid of what?"

"That I'd fall for you. And that it would happen again, or that you wouldn't want to be with me."

"I'm sorry."

"It's over now."

And, for the first time, in a long time, I wasn't happy that it was over.

The following Monday, I met Craig at his locker when I got to school.

"I tried to call you this weekend," I said quietly.

"Really? I was home all weekend."

"Joey said you were at a friends house."

"Oh, that's right. I went to Sean's. Why? What did you need to talk about?"

"Nothing really, other than the fact that my best friend ruined her life."

"What happened?" he asked again.

"It's over now. Besides, you weren't there. So lets forget about it, okay?" I kissed him lightly and walked away as fast as I could.


	21. New Wounds

Jimmy was having a party that Friday night, and half the school was invited, even Sean. Craig and I had talked about going together, but the night of the party, when I called, Joey said he had left already. I rolled my eyes and figured he had gone there with Sean. Those two had been spending a lot of time together lately. I almost considered the possibility that he had pulled a Marco and gone gay...but that thought disappeared as quickly as it had come.

So I dressed in a short, black skirt with a pair of heels. I borrowed mom's white blouse and curled my hair. Even if Craig had been a jerk to me lately, I wanted to look nice for him. So I talked Dylan into giving me a ride over to Jimmy's, telling him that I might not be home tonight. Craig and I had to work whatever was going on, and I planned on doing it--even if it took all night.

I walked into the party just as Spinner was leaving.

"Where are you going?" I asked.

"Home. I have a headache." With that, he walked past me and out the door.

I shrugged and walked around, looking for Craig. I'd searched the house twice and came to the conclusion that he wasn't there. The music was so loud, blaring Avril Lavignes' 'My Happy Ending'. I opened the first door I came to and stopped dead in my tracks.

I'd found Craig alright...and I'd found Hazel, too. "What the hell is going on here?" I asked loudly.

They were on the bed, Craig's shirt was on the floor, as was Hazels'. My heart felt like a lump of coal, my lunge felt like they were filled with helium. My head was swirling.

"Paige..." was all they could say.

"Save it." I walked out, leaving them behind me. I should have known better than to trust him, I should have known better. He did the same thing to Ashley. And to Manny...what had made me think that I was different? Trust. He had made me trust him. And I had fallen for it. For _him_.

I ran out the door and down the street. I didn't know where I was going, I just had to get away from them. Tears fell down my cheeks. It felt like I had been walking for hours, days even, but I looked at my watch and it had only been ten minutes. I found myself on Spinners doorstep. The house was dark except for a light in Spinners room in the top part of the house. There were no cars in the driveway. I rang the doorbell and waited. I rang it again before Spinner finally came to the door.

"Paige, what's wrong?" He asked when he saw me.

I threw my arms around his neck and hugged him. "I'm so sorry I hurt you. I'm so, so sorry."

"You found out about Craig and Hazel didn't you?" he asked quietly, shutting the door behind us.

"You knew? Why didn't you tell me?" I asked, a little angered.

"Would you have believed me if I had tried?" he had a point. I probably wouldn't have believed him.

"I feel like I've been hit by a truck," I told him. "And I can't go home—it would hurt too much." I hugged him again.

He hugged me back, resting his hand on my hair and kissing the top of my head. "It's okay, Paige, he wasn't right for you, anyway."

Some how I found myself kissing his shoulder, his neck, his lips.I peeled his shirt off, tossing it to the floor.

"Paige, you don't want to do this..." Spinners voice was quivering. He wanted to...I knew he did.

"Yes I do," I said, pulling him up the stairs to his bedroom.

"Paige...I don't want you to regret this." He was trying so hard to control himself.

"I've never regretted anything that has to do with you." I kissed him again. "I need this, Spin. Make me feel better...like you used to."

He kissed me, gently at first then harder, more passionately. Being with Spinner-even though I knew the circumstances were wrong and that I was trying to get back at Craig--felt so right.


End file.
